I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
