Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
