Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
