I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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