But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
