wanna go halves on a baby?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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