he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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