Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
