so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
