I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
