anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
