my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize