I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
