sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
