I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
