it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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