Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
