would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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