If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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