No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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