Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
