I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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