I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
