I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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