and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
