i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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