does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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