I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
