Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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