you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
