if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
