I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
