Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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