The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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