I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
