my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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