Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
