I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
