i was born a porn star she said
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
