I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
