he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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