just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
