I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
