sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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