Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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