I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
