All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
