We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
