so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
did i just pee glitter
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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