Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
